Sunday, October 22, 2017

Anything & Everything

"You can do anything you set your mind to" and "the only disability in life is a bad attitude" two sentences intended to be comforting. The smile and warm tone that accompanies them conceal the real truth. They are a sorry consolation for a disability, but seek to make one feel better when held back from their said disability.

I once held the same opinion ended from such empty words. There was always a recourse to accomplishing anything and everything. All it took was effort and a little innovative thinking to surmount an obstacle.

Severe chronic illness, however, has incited a different outlook. I cannot do anything I set my mind to. My illness does present limitations. It is impossible, and quite dangerous, to believe otherwise. Learning this is quite a process. Often, it originates from a reckless defiance against the physical symptoms caused from illness.

While recognizing my limitations, I also became aware of the opposite—like what I CAN do. I agree that seems to be a positive focus, as it is rarely beneficial to place excessive consideration on an endless list of unattainable longings. But if not careful, hyper-focusing on what I CAN do very easily leads to obsession fueled by the attempts to make up for the abilities my body lacks.

Consequently, I find myself on a rampage of frantically pursuing whatever my body will allow—trying to knit a plethora of products before winter, completing school assignments well in advance, cramming my entire 'to read' list in a matter of weeks, or even writing many blog posts in a short period of time. Yet, I fail to give full attention to any one thing.

The above frenzy inevitably results in burnout, furthering the limitations imposed by chronic illness. Rushing my actions deprives me of precious energy and serves as a distraction from truly enjoying what I CAN do.

So, a brief hiatus from blogging was necessary. Aside from needing to grieve the loss of a close friend, I had to rethink the manner in which I approach the things I CAN do. I had to accept that I CANNOT do anything and everything.

...and that is okay.