Saturday, October 8, 2016

What's There To Fear?

During the month of October people find pleasure in feeling afraid. Reveling in the orange and black Halloween decor, they diligently plan gory costumes. The fictitious ghosts and goblins conjured rouse amusing horror. Other fears, though, are not as positively received. 

The laundry list of potential fears is long, expanding into the dark abyss that conceals the "monsters" we all struggle to repress. The fears can assume any fathomable form and are so many that we are unaware of them all.

It is the unknown.The unknown inevitably evokes fear. Sickness is another bullet on the ceaseless checklist of fears. And the combination of the two is frightening. 

Disease, along with its formidable progression, is terrifying. Experiencing symptoms is not new. Whether I realized them as abnormal or not, I have had them to some extent since birth. But overall my health has only deteriorated, with few "remission-ish" spells in between. 

My current health is not in a good. In fact, the words "not good" fail at sufficiently communicating the situation. I am talking unable to take in even 10 mL of water orally/via G tube, constant pain I never thought possible, and now 99.5% wheelchair bound kind of "not good." I will spare the details. 

Anyways, I am at the point in my illness where there is little that can be done. Doctors are not aware of what to do. All they offer are befuddled expressions, each of them fearing to implement a new plan that could potentially result in additional progression. My family is perplexed about where to go from here. I obviously do not hold the answers.

Aside from the last resort and mostly experimental treatment plan in currently place, no other treatments have been successful. Evidently this one is not optimal either. Something needs to be changed. Yet, it has become apparent after my last GI appointment recently that all three parties involved are afraid.

This is all uncharted territory. Unknown. The discovered long term effects only exist in laboratories, including studies conducted with few patients and over a short time periods. I am a human guinea pig in a way, and a scared one at that. 

Deteriorating health with the treatments available is not comforting. Days, suffused with obscurities, run together. They revolve around the dismal contemplations of "What if....?" and "What now...?" 

It is scary, being forced to accept a new "normal" as quality of life becomes obsolete. 

This October mouths will drop, aghast with horror - mine included. As entertaining as the spooky Halloween festivities are, the true terror stems from the failing body concealed beneath my costume attire. 

"I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:4